Well… ignore the fact that it has been 3 weeks since I’ve last said anything. I’ve found that my mind has lately been restless, aloof, unable to sit still and actually get down to writing something. However, within these couple of days I’ve been really compelled to post, less of the fact that I haven’t said anything for so long but more so that I want to say that I’m so grateful that this blog has finally been given the missing limb that has enabled it to begin to breathe: an audience.
When I started my blog around March (though technically I created my account in February but didn’t get around to posting anything until quarantine hit) I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I figured I’d give myself a year (the amount of time before my WordPress personal plan would expire) or whenever I’d run out of words to say and gave up—whichever would happen first—and see where I’d take it. I had a rough vision that I’d use this space as a way to push myself to write more and be more public about my thoughts as mentioned in my little “manifesto” post glued to the top of my blog.
And yet, I wasn’t really writing with an audience in mind. I didn’t tell any of my friends about my blog—they wouldn’t understand, I thought—or anyone else in my school—weirdo! they might say. My mom even offered to post the link to my blog in my town’s Asian moms and dads WeChat group the way so many other parents would post advertisements to a free science camp their child was starting or some volunteering opportunity, but I refused. I wasn’t being humble; I was just fearful, embarrassed that people would know that I wrote about writing or scrutinize my awkward relationship with writing (she can’t even write poetry, how does she even feel authorized to discuss writing?).
I saw this blog almost as my secret journal with a 0.001% chance an Internet traveler would stumble upon it. And I was really tempted to keep it that way, to stow away my thoughts in a quiet corner of the internet while trying to fool myself that I was actually expressing my thoughts boldly.
But, it got lonely.
What was the point of tapping out these words and paragraphs at 1am to an imaginary reader? How pathetic.
So, I worked up the nerves to start spreading word of my blog, albeit discreetly. I submitted to a slew of online literary magazines and whenever I had to write a short author’s bio, I’d just slip in the link of my blog with the hope that if my piece was published there would be at least someone who would read the bio and feel intrigued enough to click on it. Haha, this sounds so shady now that I’m writing this. But, it did work and I’m guessing that’s probably how you found this blog.
If you’re reading this, I just want to say that I’m so glad that you’ve taken the time to read these black and white symbols transmitted through a glass screen written by a person you don’t even know, who lives perhaps far, far away from where you do. In all honesty, I’m just a sleep-deprived kid who still feels that the word “writer” fits awkwardly in her mouth and sometimes hates writing so much and who has stared at a blank page for countless nights, but it’s always those rare moments when the words tumble forth so effortlessly or when she realizes she’s actually enjoying herself while caught up in the nitty gritty of rewriting a sentence over and over or transplanting whole paragraphs that brings her back to the craft of writing. I’m also still not very good at poetry, much less fiction, and I’m probably even less articulate in real life.
I’m not sure how helpful you’ve found my blog to be, but just know that I am eternally grateful knowing that you’re probably one of the single-digit-number of people that read my posts and it has truly sparked a new fire in me to keep reading and to keep writing.
TLDR: To the human reading this, you’re a real champ.